Showing up for Yourself

If you've talked to me in October, you've probably heard me mention Boot Camp. If you've talked to me in November, you've probably heard how a group project exploded and distracted me from Boot Camp. In December, you heard about how I'm going to start Boot Camp in January. A few weeks ago, you heard how my consult went, and heard me laugh about what I looked like on paper.

Two days ago, at about 7 in the morning, if you were a fly in the wall in my house you would have heard my mom and dad talking* about my decision to not do boot camp.

I made the decision for a few reasons, the main one being that it just doesn't fit in my life right now. That's not to say exercise and being healthy doesn't fit in my life, it just means that going to that gym literally doesn't fit. Even if I want it to. Yoga fits. Running on the treadmill fits. Running up and down my own sets of stairs fits.

Loving the path I'm on, no matter how many twists, u-turns, and full circles I make...THAT FITS!

I am deeply in love with the circles I make in my life. The obvious ones are around a healthy lifestyle. Once upon a time, I was pushing 200lbs, and then I was 150, and then 160, and then 150 again. Sometimes I detox, eat organic, eat raw. Other times I live off of cigarettes and coffee, and go right back into fruits and veg.

Do I eat healthy? Yes. Do I excercise? Yes. Do I make healthy choices? Yes.

Do I have love handles? Yup! Do I have arm fat? Yup! Do I have ass dimples, blemishes, uneven boobs, and a comically large forehead? YES!

I don't let any of this, good or bad, influence what I think about myself though. The bottom line is that I love myself unconditionally. I make bad choices, have unpleasant thoughts, but I also make great choices and think positively.

I also make circles in running as well. I will run consistently enough to build strength, endurance and lung capacity, but then maybe my knees will tell me that's enough for now and they need a break. So I stop, I won't run anymore until my knees tell me they're ready to go again.

I don't see this as failure or a setback. It's just a thing. Today I can't run, and that kind of sucks because I really wanted to, but...I can do something else! It doesn't mean that I suck balls at running.

God! Even in school! I've had GPA's ranging from 0.7 (that wasn't a typo) to 3.7! Yeah, obviously I was pissed at the 0.7 and esctatic at the 3.7 but neither of those grades mean anything about me on a personal-this-is-what-defines-me level.

Neither does the boot camp, the scale, my eating habits, my smoking habit, my running habits, my yoga class, chequing account, amount of debt, or the colour of my bed sheets. These things change. I change.

Sometimes a 0.7 GPA and purple sheets fits who I am, other days a 3.7 GPA and orange sheets fit me better.

The bottom line is that I have an unconditional love for myself, and I realize that I am perfect only in my imperfections. This is how I show up for myself, this is how I have my own back, and this is who I am!

*My parents weren't gossiping about me, and they weren't talking about boot camp like "that gurl needs to get on the treadmill, yo!" I'm lucky enough to have parents that support me in whatever twists and turns I'm taking, but since there are so many of them, they just like to keep each other updated on whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing now. Gotta keep 'em on their toes!

2011.

I am already in love with 2011 - I'm going to create a great year, and I'm so excited about it!

Bigger shoes will be stepped into this year! Simply, my new year's resolution is to travel lighter.

I mean this in more than one way. My friend and sometime travel buddy can atest to this. I had so much stuff with me, carting it from bus to ferry to boat to hotel, etc. that by the end of my 3 week trip I had to buy another suitcase just to get it all home with me. Another friend, and gym buddy extraordinaire, could probably tell you I don't travel light either. Some days I'd be carrying my gym bag, yoga mat, school backpack, and purse all to the gym because that's what I had going on that day (being with the bus means you get to play a packhorse every now and then). I carry with me the things I think I need - but I rarely need EVERYTHING I pack, so I plan on being a lot more conscious about what I put in my bag each morning.

Travelling lighter also means decluttering. Over the next month I'm going to go through all of my belongings with the thought of making space. If I don't relish it, I don't need it. That means clothes, post-it notes..everything! That goes for thoughts, attitudes and actions as well. If they're not serving me, then I can release them.

I'm also looking forward to 3 months of yoga, boot camp, a month in India and everything that comes my way in 2011. 2011 is a year for awesomeness :)

How are you going to create your year?

Nowhere I can't Flow

My beautifully unruly way - I like that descriptor for what I am making up today to be.

I could barely roll myself out of bed today, I was so exhausted. It's also a bad habit when I'm doing laundry - I do my sheets last and always end up having a night where there are no sheets on my bed. It's so easy to cocoon myself in my super awesome duvet and drift off to la la land, making it that much harder to wake up in the morning. It's so cold out there, and so warm in here, so busy out there and so calm in here. This is the cold and chaotic story I tell myself every morning of what will happen as soon as my toe touches the ground.

Today's chaos included three review classes (the last of the semester), and a dentist appointment - all of which, unfortunately, do not give me a lot of time for studying. I was freaking out this morning. But I found an alternative - I will stay home from my review classes. They're not going to tell me anything so fundamentally important that I will fail my exams if I don't hear it, and I'm in a position where I will pass (barely, mind) if I choose not to show up for my exams anyway.

At home, the tea is free, the only one judging me for sneezing into my elbow is my dog, and if I feel the need to bend into down-dog after a few hours of being hunched over my notes - I can. I could absolutely do this during a review class to, but something tells me that it wouldn't go over too well.

I put myself in a hard position though. If I stay home, what am I missing? If I go to class, how much time am I wasting? These are the stories in my head this morning, this is what is eating at me.

So, I go into the kitchen, make some tea, and break out into down-dog in my kitchen in the hopes of some miraculous, yoga inspired, answer to my stress. My necklace smacked me in the face.


It's from energy muse, and the basis of this necklace is that it will provide me with energy, endurance, motivation, balance, wisdom, and a positive attitude. It's called Flow. Now, I'm cynical about the fact that these stones are going to give me anything other than a pretty necklace - but it does serve as a reminder when it hits you right in your face. I can flow anywhere, I will do whatever needs to be done and I can do it anywhere - school be damned!

Have a Little Faith

I love reading borrowed books, and I love lending my favorite books out. People read so differently. I know someone who reads with a highlighter and highlights her favorite sentences. To mark my pages, I use a bookmark I was gifted by a friend that says "Oh my god! I'm wierd in a good way and you're creepy in a good way!" HIGH FIVE (and it's now, years and years later I notice her spelling mistake....but maybe we are a little wierd). It was one of our many revelations over coffee, and one of the many that circles back to the fact that how we're being in that moment is the only way to be. Our moments are perfect, and deserve high fives. I dog ear the bottom of pages to remind me of the things I like, much like my highlighting friend.

The funny thing about this, is that for me, it works like a diary. A book I read and dog-eared 2 years ago would be dog-eared in entirely different places today. Maybe I'm a buddhist reader, the world is neutral and the only thing that exists are our reactions to it...how we interpret things, and that can change if we want it to.

This is something from have a little faith by Mitch Albom that I really liked...

One concerns a farmer who wakes up to find his horse has run off.
The neighbors come by and say, "Too bad. Such awful luck."
The farmer says, "Maybe."
The next day, the horse returns with a few other horses. The neighbors congratulate the farmer on his reversal of fortune.
"Maybe," the farmer says.
When his son tries to ride one of the new horses, he breaks his leg, and the neighbors offer condolences.
"Maybe," the farmer says.
And the next day, when army officials come to draft the son - and don't take him because of his broken leg - everyone is happy.
"Maybe," the farmer says.
I have hears stories like this before. They are beautiful in their simplicity and surrender to the universe. I wonder if I could be attached to something so detached. I don't know. Maybe.

This is so lovely to me. I want to go to India, but the possibility of that happening this May was looking better last week than it is today. I know I'm going to India - I want to see what all the fuss is about, I want immerse myself in it - so, I know I am going. But, I'm attached to how I'm getting there. It HAS to be through my school, it HAS to be this May, it HAS to happen in THIS way. The fact is, most of the things I want to do in India, I could do without ever leaving my house if I really wanted to, so I don't even really HAVE to go to India.

This is why I love reading.

MAYBE I'll go to India, MAYBE it will be this May, MAYBE it will be through school. MAYBE I'll stay home, MAYBE I'll go in February, June, or next year, MAYBE it will be through the time machine in my basement. BUT I will still have 10 days to myself that involve nothing but yoga, indian food, no one to talk to, and lots of time to wander in and out of my own head. Those are my objectives and I'm getting there - that's what I'm attached to. I'm not attached to the 'how' of things and it opens me up to so many more opportunities. I mean, c'mon...a time machine in my basement is a pretty cool way to travel.

Maybe is my new favorite word.

God of Shuffle

........Organic Coast - Hawksley Workman

"And you'll be lucky with that old sexy stocking...they're turning me into a hermaphrodite fish...aquasexual delish...we're refugees to suffer the lost art of imperfection...oh, their tricky, tricky, languages...tonight we're learning how, tonight we're learning how, tonight we're learning how........"

Sounds about right. Maybe.

I love the gods of shuffle, they always know what to play :)







P.S. I stole most of this from this

Happy Place

Thanks to a wonderful yoga instructor, I've been having a few conversations about happy places lately. Where is your happy place? Where you go to in your mind when you need to take a moment, when you're bored, when you need to push yourself a little further....

I've gotten a few interesting answers, but most paint pictures of relaxation, beaches, sunshine, water, and loved ones. One answer, I really liked...my happy place IS that moment when I'm bored, and that moment when I need to push myself a little further, THIS is my happy place...why would I ever leave?

AWESOME. 100%.

In my happy place, I'm wearing this dress:


dancing down the street (any street, all streets) with all the amazing people in my life, singing this song.

My happy place is a circus, and it's pretty great.

But, as the 100% awesome answer above, I invite you to create today as your happy place. Choose to be happy in everything you do today, it's your happy place - create it that way.

Losing my shit

It's so awesome how the little things can get you to do big things.

I was returned my gym bag today by a lovely lady who would prefer it if I were "Carrie" instead of "Kairee", but really she can call me anything she wants. Since I got it back, I actually organized it.

A friend, someone who I am super grateful to know and happy that she is part of the 'family I choose', posted a game thinger on her tumblr . My life would be defined if I flipped to a sentence in a book. Mine said Clear your desk. That's all. So, I did, and I feel like I love right now a little bit more.

My horoscope says:

The nature of the game is changing. Do you know which game I'm referring to? I mean the one that everyone's playing but no one's acknowledging they're playing. The rules of the game had held steady for quite some time, but recently they began to shift. Now even the game's rewards are in the process of metamorphosing. My advice? You don't necessarily need to splash a big dose of raw candor all over the place, but I do recommend that you at least tell yourself the truth about what's going on.

and I say:

IT'S ABOUT FREAKIN' TIME!!

P.S. I'm really happy that my favorite pair of underwear has been returned to the safe, warm, embrace of my....underwear drawer. Like I said, the simple things.