'Dem shoes

Remember those shoes I was talking about? I think it's time to step into them.

Everything is Perfect

Dust, dirty laundry, gym bags, messy closet, studying on my bed, that's a bra hanging over my laundry basket, broken jewellry box, old perfume, lots and lots of dust, no really.. LOTS of dust, a pair of shoes - probably under some unfolded clothes, cowboy hat, stolen corona bucket, pictures...more dust, and a boomerang from australia (I've never been).

It's all perfect, even when we don't think it is.

It's all Learning

I invite you to accept all of your desires. You have absolutely everything you want right now, right in front of you, but I think most of the time we're to busy worrying about what we don't have, to see that what we want is right in front of us. For some reason, and this goes for myself too, it's easier for us to view the world from a place of lack than one of abundance.

I invite you to get over yourself. We judge ourselves constantly, and we guess that that look that person gave us today had something to do with what we're wearing, or how we're acting. I'm not saying just STOP judging yourself, you're going to do it anyway. Just acknowledge that these are just thoughts passing through, and it's you who gets to decide whether or not you latch onto them or not. YOU get to choose what thoughts identify you. Take what works for you and discard the rest.

I invite you to choose to be happy. It really is a choice. A simple example is traffic. Stuck there? Yup. Anything you can do about it? Nope. So why wear yourself out by thinking about all of the things you have to rush home to, they're still going to be there when you get back. Why not choose this opportunity to catch up on some awesome radio songs. Have your own little dance party in the car.

I invite you to your own vulnerability. I hate being vulnerable, nevermind making myself open to it, that's just not gonna happen. But, it's worth it. People who open themselves up to vulnerability are people who see themselves as worthy. I feel a certain way, and I wan't to ask someone something. But, I'm scared how their answer will affect me, how they'll respond, what they'll think of me.... When I do finally make myself vulnerable, and ask that question (or whatever it is), it's because I feel like I am worth the answer I want. Now, sometimes you don't get what you want even if you are present to your own worth. Sometimes, it's just not gonna happen. You still feel awesome though. You still feel like you were there for yourself.

I invite you to acknowledge the teachers in your life. I like thinking of my relationships in this one. It didn't work out with that guy, but now I know how giving I am. It didn't work out with that guy, but now I know what I'm looking for, and how important it is to talk about how I feel. It didn't work out with that guy, but I did say how I felt, and I did ask all those questions, and now I know that asking them is okay.

The point is this:

Just as you are, you are beautiful, caring, grateful, amazing, abounding, full of life, forgiving, ugly, stupid, insecure, selfish and the most annoying person I could ever hope to know. All of these qualities are in us. The ones that show are the ones that you choose to call up for yourself. We are not perfect, but we can choose to be happy, worthy, grateful, and accepting just as easily as we can choose to be all those other nasty things. It's your choice. This goes for the qualities we see in others, we can choose to see that person as amazing, or we can choose to see them as an asshole. Again, it's still your choice.

So lastly, I invite you to forgive yourself and others. All those regrets, shoulda dones, shouldn't have dones, fails, and failed agains. You're allowed. You're allowed to push people away, make mistakes, fuck up, and do it all over again just for good measure. It's okay. It's important to acknowledge that and move on to other imperfections.

You get to choose.

It's just life, and it's all learning :)

It's fun, I promise

I can't write down what I'm feeling right now, so you need to do me a favour, it will only take a minute.

Smile at your computer screen (don't look somewhere else to do it, just do it)

Crinkle the corners of your eyes

Scrunch your nose

Love how you feel right now

Think of something so awesome that happened today

and now please, for me, laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.

Showing up for Yourself

If you've talked to me in October, you've probably heard me mention Boot Camp. If you've talked to me in November, you've probably heard how a group project exploded and distracted me from Boot Camp. In December, you heard about how I'm going to start Boot Camp in January. A few weeks ago, you heard how my consult went, and heard me laugh about what I looked like on paper.

Two days ago, at about 7 in the morning, if you were a fly in the wall in my house you would have heard my mom and dad talking* about my decision to not do boot camp.

I made the decision for a few reasons, the main one being that it just doesn't fit in my life right now. That's not to say exercise and being healthy doesn't fit in my life, it just means that going to that gym literally doesn't fit. Even if I want it to. Yoga fits. Running on the treadmill fits. Running up and down my own sets of stairs fits.

Loving the path I'm on, no matter how many twists, u-turns, and full circles I make...THAT FITS!

I am deeply in love with the circles I make in my life. The obvious ones are around a healthy lifestyle. Once upon a time, I was pushing 200lbs, and then I was 150, and then 160, and then 150 again. Sometimes I detox, eat organic, eat raw. Other times I live off of cigarettes and coffee, and go right back into fruits and veg.

Do I eat healthy? Yes. Do I excercise? Yes. Do I make healthy choices? Yes.

Do I have love handles? Yup! Do I have arm fat? Yup! Do I have ass dimples, blemishes, uneven boobs, and a comically large forehead? YES!

I don't let any of this, good or bad, influence what I think about myself though. The bottom line is that I love myself unconditionally. I make bad choices, have unpleasant thoughts, but I also make great choices and think positively.

I also make circles in running as well. I will run consistently enough to build strength, endurance and lung capacity, but then maybe my knees will tell me that's enough for now and they need a break. So I stop, I won't run anymore until my knees tell me they're ready to go again.

I don't see this as failure or a setback. It's just a thing. Today I can't run, and that kind of sucks because I really wanted to, but...I can do something else! It doesn't mean that I suck balls at running.

God! Even in school! I've had GPA's ranging from 0.7 (that wasn't a typo) to 3.7! Yeah, obviously I was pissed at the 0.7 and esctatic at the 3.7 but neither of those grades mean anything about me on a personal-this-is-what-defines-me level.

Neither does the boot camp, the scale, my eating habits, my smoking habit, my running habits, my yoga class, chequing account, amount of debt, or the colour of my bed sheets. These things change. I change.

Sometimes a 0.7 GPA and purple sheets fits who I am, other days a 3.7 GPA and orange sheets fit me better.

The bottom line is that I have an unconditional love for myself, and I realize that I am perfect only in my imperfections. This is how I show up for myself, this is how I have my own back, and this is who I am!

*My parents weren't gossiping about me, and they weren't talking about boot camp like "that gurl needs to get on the treadmill, yo!" I'm lucky enough to have parents that support me in whatever twists and turns I'm taking, but since there are so many of them, they just like to keep each other updated on whatever the fuck it is that I'm doing now. Gotta keep 'em on their toes!

2011.

I am already in love with 2011 - I'm going to create a great year, and I'm so excited about it!

Bigger shoes will be stepped into this year! Simply, my new year's resolution is to travel lighter.

I mean this in more than one way. My friend and sometime travel buddy can atest to this. I had so much stuff with me, carting it from bus to ferry to boat to hotel, etc. that by the end of my 3 week trip I had to buy another suitcase just to get it all home with me. Another friend, and gym buddy extraordinaire, could probably tell you I don't travel light either. Some days I'd be carrying my gym bag, yoga mat, school backpack, and purse all to the gym because that's what I had going on that day (being with the bus means you get to play a packhorse every now and then). I carry with me the things I think I need - but I rarely need EVERYTHING I pack, so I plan on being a lot more conscious about what I put in my bag each morning.

Travelling lighter also means decluttering. Over the next month I'm going to go through all of my belongings with the thought of making space. If I don't relish it, I don't need it. That means clothes, post-it notes..everything! That goes for thoughts, attitudes and actions as well. If they're not serving me, then I can release them.

I'm also looking forward to 3 months of yoga, boot camp, a month in India and everything that comes my way in 2011. 2011 is a year for awesomeness :)

How are you going to create your year?